Hanging On

That's what I've been doing lately.  Just hanging on.

Hanging on until spring came. And amazingly enough, just like every other year, it came. Despite freezing temperatures and snow falls in March and bare branches and brown, dead lawns and gardens in April it came.

Hanging on until residency is over.  I'm still waiting for that one, but it's coming, in a very slow, dragged out way, but it's coming.

Hanging on until Duck, and by natural extension, me, starts sleeping through the night again.

I keep thinking that I'm on top of things, that I can make time for everything.  For all the dishes and laundry and school activities and family time and studying and home projects and putting away the winter clothes and movie night and research projects and the over all big picture.  But I can't do it all.

I think I'm on top of it, and then there is a huge family crisis that has me rushing back to Utah to be with family.

I think I'm on top of it, and then I realize that there are just a couple months until boards and I'm spending every last second studying.  Listening to lectures while I drive. Flipping through questions while in line at the grocery store. Rushing to get the boys to bed so I can pull out the books and study until I fall asleep at the kitchen table surrounded by highlighters and flashcards.

I think I'm on top of it, and then I find myself doing 24 hour calls every third night and working 85 hour weeks and 15 straight days. And I'm just so tired and overwhelmed that I can't even fake a smile.

I think I'm on top of it until I realize that I'm busy and tired and overwhelmed and my boys are rapidly growing up around me and I feel a blind panic that I'm missing every thing important.

I know this is just a temporary phase.

Boards and residency will be over in July. There will be no more 24 hour or weekend shifts. Eventually the piles of laundry and the faint smell of unwashed dishes will be taken care of.

Until then, I'm hanging on.