My 2011 goals are going great. So much so that it actually surprises me. I don't think I've had such a productive 3 months...ever.
I've volunteered at the school, read books, visited new places, eaten new foods. And there are still so many exciting things to look forward to and try this year.
But there is something that I won't be crossing off my list this year. Because, for the first time in years, it's something that isn't even on my list.
Year after year, ever since Bug was born and I had that extra baby weight, I've made it my goal to lose the weight and get back to my pre-baby body. At the time, I ran for miles, gave up sugar, biked obsessively. And I still never got back into those pre-Bug jeans. And then Monkey came, along with even more baby weight.
Once again I resolved to lose the weight. I did Pilates, yoga, aerobics, took up running again, gave up red meat, stopped eating ice cream.
And those pre-Monkey jeans just sat folded in the bottom drawer of my dresser, untouched, year after year. Right next to the even more ambitious pre-Bug jeans.
I've always felt bad about myself for not losing the weight. Like I wasn't committed enough, that I hadn't taken care of myself, that I had done something wrong during pregnancy to put the weight on to being with.
Last year, I had resolved to lose 10 pounds. I managed to lose 4. And I felt bad about myself for not doing it. It seemed like such a measly little goal, and I couldn't do it.
I kept thinking that if only I could just finally lose the weight, that finally I could start feeling good about myself.
And that's when I realized something.
All those years ago, before Monkey, I didn't feel good about myself, carrying around that post-Bug weight (even though now, I'd be delighted to be that size.) Going back years before that, before Bug, back when I was thin and finding clothes that fit was never an issue...Well, even going back that far, I didn't feel good about myself even then.
I keep thinking that losing the weight is the answer. But it's not.
I still want to be healthier. I try to watch what I eat. I try to fit in exercise when I can. But this year, I'm not resolving to lose weight.
And I feel good about that.