That word doesn't actually tell people anything about me. No insight into my personality, my interests, my profession. But oh, how I loved that word. I got some strange high from being busy. I'd back as many things into a day as I could and the more I did each day, the better I felt about myself. The longer the check list, the more items crossed off the list, the more amazing I was. I relished in being busy, as if to do lists and chores made me super woman.
Looking at it now, being busy never actually made me happy. It was just another attempt to be that mythical super mom, an attempt that was making me stressed, worn down, and unable to fully participate or enjoy the things that actually mattered.
These days, I'm trying to pare down the being busy just for busyness sake. It's actually kind of hard.
If at the end of the day, if I haven't done something that feels "productive" I feel a little panicky. I can't have just spent a whole day reading a novel and watching Netflix with my kids. I must do something useful! So I'll rush to do a load of laundry, or clean off the bathroom counters, or tidy the kids' rooms. Just so I don't feel that the day has "been a waste."
Which is ridiculous, because I love reading and my boys love watching TV with me, snuggled up on our family room couch together. Those things are valuable, useful, and important.
So I'm working on not taking on too much, not adding more things to my schedule, just for the appearance of staying busy. I keep telling myself it's perfectly fine to not be busy.
That's not to be saying I won't doing projects. Hubster always despairs when I start a new project, such as reorganizing the photo gallery wall in the living room, or repainting my closet, or a big craft project with the kids. Because it's not like we don't have enough on our plates without me adding more things. But I'm doing those things because I actually enjoy them, not just to keep busy.
I feel that this is a lesson that has taken me way too long to learn. That I don't need to be busy to be happy, or successful, or meaningful. I just need to enjoy what I'm doing. I'm going to work on being involved, not being busy.
It's time to pick another word to describe myself.