Body Image

Have you seen this picture floating around on the internet?



I don't normally post pictures of scantily clad (or not clad) people on my blog. But I felt that this was good enough, and maybe even important enough to write about.

I have self image issues. Major ones. Maybe, reading between the lines on my Wednesday Weigh-Ins, you've already ascertained that. I've been plagued by self image issues that have made their way into self esteem issues. I've fought my battles. Someday, maybe, I'll get brave enough to talk more about those battles. Today is not that day.

This picture was originally just a 3 inch by 3 inch photo in a major fashion magazine. When I saw this picture, it was amazingly refreshing. A woman posing for a major magazine who looks like a normal woman. She has a normal looking tummy. She has normal looking thighs. Nicer ones than mine, but still normal looking. She is a size 12-14. Not a size 0, 1, or 2. A normal healthy size.

And she is beautiful.

No matter how we would like to deny it, we compare ourselves to other women. We see covers of magazines, stick thin mannequins, impossibly thin actresses, and we do compare. We tend to focus on the thin women around us and think they are the ones we are supposed to look like. We tend not to notice as much all the perfectly normal women.

I'm not talking about wanting to be a healthy weight. I am not at an ideal BMI. When I exercise and diet (which I'll eventually get to. I promise you and me that.) I'm not aiming for a dress size or pant size. I'm aiming to be healthier.

Have you see this commercial?



When I first saw this commercial during the Super Bowl many years ago, I was brought to tears.

Hopefully, the media becomes full of pictures of real, healthy, happy women. And the next generation of girls will have an easier time of it than I did.

Avoidance

I got an a-mail recently, asking about my diet. To be more specific, wondering what happened to those weekly posts about my weight and what I was doing to finally lose it.

There's a reason it's been months since a "Wednesday Weigh-In."

It's because I've been avoiding the scale.

Between the Big Move, the constant work on the house (pictures to come very, very soon), adjusting to a new city, and my anesthesia residency, time for me has been in short supply.

My drive to work follows the river. Next to the river is an amazing running/biking path. As I drive to work at 6 am, in the early morning grayness, the path is full of old ladies walking in groups, cyclists in yellow spandex and helmets, college girls in tanktops and headphones. And I wish I could join them. But while they are out walking, cycling, and running, I'm already headed to work. I pass them again in the evening on my way home. And I think maybe I could fit it in. But at home, there are textbooks and journal articles, and dishes, and meals, and home renovations, and the two most darling boys ever. And I don't go out. I stay put and work hard.

And I'll admit that I haven't been eating as healthy as I should. We've allowed ice cream back in the house. It was for rewards for Monkey completing potty training, but I'll admit I've had at least my fair share (if not a little more). The short evenings and heavy work load have translated into more meals of pizza and fast food. Breakfast is a bagel or English muffin. Then I get home after 12 hour days, not having eaten all day. And I'll break into a box of crackers.

During all this time, the scale has remained pushed back as far as I can get it into the back corner of my closet.

I can't bare to look. All the hard work I did earlier in the year surely is gone.

I'm not sure I foresee a time when there will be more time to take care of me. I've got more balls than I can handle in the air, burning the candle at both ends, hanging by my teeth, whatever you like.

I'd like to say I'm doing the best I can, but I know that's not true. Everyone can always to better. I could eat healthier, even when I'm stressed. I could stop blogging and pull out my stationary bike.

Someday, I'll get brave enough to pull out the scale. And then someday I'll stand on it. And someday, I may even look down and read the number between my feet.

But for now, I'm just going to keep plowing along.

It was good while it lasted

It finally happened. I knew it had to someday. But I was in denial.

My brother-in-law finally asked for his Wii Fit back. There is not emoticon strong enough to express how sad I am about this.

I lost nearly five pounds using that balance board.

I've gained 2 back in the week since he took it. (Okay, it's not just because the Wii Fit is gone. It's also because I've eaten out twice, gone on a road trip that involved marshmallows, and visited my mom.)

Unfortunately, our financial situation does not currently allow us to replace his with one of our own.

However, the Wii Fit is no longer enough for me.

I have a new lust object.

The Wii Active.



I.

Want.

It.

Until then, it is back to my stationary bike and the sidewalk for me.

Something's Gotta Give

I'm going to write about something different this Wednesday. Because honestly, you can only hear about someone's weight loss (or lack there of, or gain, etc...) so much before you want to completely skip the whole thing.

(And this isn't because I've given up on the diet, or I'm not having success. I'm still working at it. And I've lost 1 1/2 more pounds. Putting my total at 11 1/2 pounds so far. )

(But that's it. That doesn't make much of a post.)

So, this week, I'll talk about other things somewhat related to health.

And I'll start with a confession.

I shop at Wal-Mart.

This is either met with "So? I do to." Or "Gasp...How could you!?"

A little background.

A friend in medical school was married to an economist who studied the effects of Wal-Mart on small communities. He found a lot of evidence that after a Wal-Mart moved into a small community, mom-and-pop shops shut down at extraordinary rates, unemployment rose dramatically, and quality of life decreased slightly.

I also disagree with a lot of Wal-Mart's business practices. (Although this is not the time to get into all the details. There are plenty of links if you're interested: read here and here and here.)

Everyone knows that Wal-Mart sells a lower quality product than other chains. I would rather buy things for my home at Target than Wal-Mart any day.

And don't even get me started on their produce. I hate the commercials that say how wonderful Wal-Mart's produce is. Have you ever actually looked at the poor fruits and vegetables? Good luck finding a ripe avacodo. Or a non-soft cucumber.

Once I sent Hubster to grab some canteloupe for a party. He came back with canteloupe from Albertson's. When I asked why he had gone all the way to Albertson's when Wal-Mart is 2 minutes away, he said this.

"You know how grapes turn into raisins, and plums turn into prunes? Whatever canteloupe turn into, they're selling at Wal-Mart."

So despite all this, I shop at Wal-Mart.

Why?

After Monkey was born, I was lucky enough to stay home for six months with him. During this time, I decided that I was going to work on getting my family healthier. No more eating out. No more junk food. I was going to cook every meal. We were going to eat all organic, and local when we could. Everything was going to be whole foods.

I started shopping at this local grocer that sells primarily organic food and local products when there are available. The food was beautiful. Local corn, local heirloom tomatoes, organic onions, free-range chicken, certified hormone-free milk, wild fish.

In two weeks I had spent what we normally spent in two months.

It was not sustainable.

Our family budget is tight. There is not often room for luxury, and never room for extravagances. We just couldn't keep it up. I tried buying cheaper, not top-of-the-line organic. Still our budget wouldn't allow it.

So back to Wal-Mart we went. Back to where onions are 47 cents/pound instead of $1.75/pound. Back to where milk is $2.00/gallon and not $3.50/gallon. Back to where chicken is $5.00 for four boneless, skinless chicken breasts and not $8.00 for the same product at the beautiful store.

Do I miss it? Yes. I would rather feed my family the healthiest, most natural version of food that I can. (Even though Hubster is still a sceptic when it comes to organic food. He hears organic and he thinks carbon containing molecules and not pesticide-free food.)

I still try to cook at home every chance I get. I try to use fresh ingredients as often as possible. They don't say organic on them very often. And a lot are Wal-Mart brand. But we can afford them.

I guess this means that I'm a hypocrit. I put my budget before my ideals.

But sometimes, something's gotta give. And it's not going to be dinner.

Give it up

Like always, it's two steps forward, one step backwards.

I've gained 1 1/2 pounds this week (which is amazing that it is so little considering the amazing food I enjoyed over Mother's Day.)

But at least I haven't even approached what I started at.

A little weight gain like this doesn't extremely disturb me. Unless it is more next week. But I'm working on that.

Last night, curled up on the couch watching Taken, I decided to enjoy the movie with a huge bowl of popcorn.

I love popcorn. LOVE. Especially with lots of butter. It could be my favorite food of all time.

But I've really cut down. I don't even it is once a week. More like maybe twice a month.

And I don't feel sad about it. By only eating it occasionally, I don't feel guilty when I do eat it.

Other things that I have almost completely cut out of my diet are beef and ice cream. I still have ice cream, but we don't keep it in the house anymore. Which makes eating half a gallon of butter pecan right out of the box while watching When Harry met Sally... much more difficult.

However, I'm not willing to give up pancakes or waffles. Seriously, they're probably the best thing I cook, and I just can't give that up.

What are things you are willing to give up? And more importantly, what are things you aren't?

Ta-Da!

(I know that this post should have been up yesterday, but I had internet problems which led to me doing all sorts of things I neither understand nor am qualified to do. But I do now have internet again. And I just can't wait a whole week to post this.)

Drum roll please.

I have now lost 10 pounds!!!

After my little temper-tantrum last week, who would have thought? But it's true. I had just reached a plateau, and although I knew that mentally, it was hard to cope with emotionally. But I'm now off that plateau, and back on the thrilling ride downwards.

I talk about my weight quite a bit. I think about it even more. But there is a good reason for this.

My oldest son will be turning 7 this summer. That means in the last 7 years, I had gained a lot of weight. Between two pregnancies, medical school, and all the stress that goes along with those, I had gained 50 pounds in 7 years.

50 pounds! That is a lot.

It was enough for me to not feel at home in my own body. I have spent the last several years not even recognizing myself. I felt like someone else. I had gained the weight so fast that my self-image didn't have time to keep up with my real image.

I was critical of my body when it was 50 pounds lighter. But this new body was one that I didn't even know. And I hated it.

My mom didn't keep any of her baby weight until her sixth pregnancy. My sister was back to her pre-pregnancy weight less than six weeks after her daughter was born. My grandmother probably weights as much now as she did when she was 18.

It hurt being the only fat one in the family.

The dieting and exercising have been demanding, both physically, but even more so, emotionally.

This 10 pound weight loss is a big deal for me. It's evidence that a lot of hard work is starting to pay off. That I'm on my way to being a little bit healthier.

I still have some more to go. Now I'm only 15 pounds over my medically ideal body weight, instead of 25.

During this process, I've come to look at myself a little differently. I've become a little more forgiving of myself. I'm starting to accept what I see in the mirror. To appreciate my new curves. To be less critical.

I know that I'll never be back to that size 4 girl I was before this whole process began 7 years ago.

And I'm starting to be okay with that.

Throwing in the towel

Okay, I'm not really going to quit.

(After all, an active overweight person is healthier than an inactive thin person, and blah, blah, blah...)

But I sure feel like it.

I'm starting to remember why I've never been successful on any of my weight loss endeavors.

Because THEY DON'T WORK!!!

Exercise is eating up all the time I'd rather be doing other things. Like watching the long list of movies I'm dying to see before residency starts. It's eating away time for naps, and books, and photo albums, and walks with my kids. I feel better when I exercise. I feel better about myself. I have more energy. But less free time in which to use that energy.

Dieting is turning me into a guilt ridden monster. I can't take my two year old out to lunch and share a hot dog without thinking about how much the scale is going to make me regret it later. A six year old sharing jellybeans with me shouldn't make me feel like a bad person.

But the complete lack of new weight loss means I'm doing something wrong.

And I DO NOT want to hear the words of encouragement that everyone tries. "Oh, you're just gaining muscle, which you know weighs more than fat." Well thanks. Thanks a lot.

Sorry you had to hear all that.

I just needed to vent. And now, I'm going to go have some meaningful time with some carrot sticks.

Perfect Fit

Last week, I got a lot of great advice about things I could do to my diet/exercise plan.

And like always, I thought of excuses about why this one and that one wouldn't work for me.

The one that I know what true was that I needed variety in my exercise plan.

A little background on my approach to exercise:

I have been to a gym once. That was during high school as a guest with one of my friends. Yep, a whole ONE time.

I've had lots of reasons for this. Financially, things have always been a little tight. There just wasn't the cash for a membership that I may or may not have used. After I had kids, I was away from home so much of the time, that I felt too guilty to be away from home even more just to work out.

My exercise equipment has been the sidewalk when Hubster is home and a stationary bike I bought 5 years ago when he's not.

But I am limited to those no longer. I have a new outlet.

Wii Fit!!!!



My brother-in-law brought it over last week, and then seeing the covetous look in my eye, asked if we wanted to borrow it for a while. (So, actually I have a new outlet until he wants it back.)

We can't afford a Wii system right at this time. But it is now of the list of "Must Haves!"

I'm sure that I'm a little late on this bandwagon, but this thing is amazing. The first day after doing a full workout on it, I was sore everywhere. Which was great!

It is like having a personal trainer at home. And with the variety of exercises, I don't get bored. I can do this thing for hours (instead of pushing myself for a full 30 minutes on my stationary bike and hating every minute of it.) Yoga, strength training, aerobics! I have to talk myself into stopping, mostly because someone wants to watch TV or someone else wants a turn.

And there is a competitive aspect to it. Everyone is trying to beat other people's scores, which pushes them (and me) to work harder.

And, according to the Wii, I've lost another pound (although my home scale says it's just half a pound, but I'm only listening to the Wii now.)

So, if you can't tell, I'm pretty excited about it.

So, excuse me, I've got to go and beat Hubster's boxing score.

In a Slump

I need to get back on track, both with posting and my now titled "so-called-diet."

It has earned that name, not from lack of effort, but from lack of results.

I'm working on not getting discouraged. But I feel that after four months of nearly daily exercise, a lot of vegetable juice and low-fat yogurt and minimal treats, I should have more to show for it than just 8 pounds of weight loss.

I think that I could get better results with more time spend exercising, but it is all that I can fit into my day. And you think that going from zero minutes on zero days a week to 45 minutes on 6 days a week would have had some effect.

I'm sure that I could lose weight if I ate less. But I'm already eating a lot less. I'm hungry a lot of the time, and I'm working on letting hunger be a good feeling. If my stomach rumbles, I try to think, "That's the sound of results." But really, it is just the sound of a grumpy girl.

I feel like I'm fighting against so many things.

One is my gender. Hubster eats terribly, despite my best efforts. And a few months ago, he got in an exercising mood, and spend a few minutes each day jump-roping. In a week, he had lost 3 pounds. With no diet changes. I'm beginning to think it is just easier for men.

The other thing is my metabolism. I feel that it has come to a screeching halt since I've had my kids. It is very easy for me to gain weight. Just a couple weeks of not being super careful (like a job interview trip) and I will gain several pounds. And then they don't come off.

Ever, apparently.

I'm not going to quit. This is the longest I have stuck with any diet and exercise plan.

And there is a lot of evidence that overweight, active people are significantly more healthy than normal weight, inactive people. So the overall benefit is still worth it.

But I want some results!!

Sustainability

So, another Wednesday.

I didn't write about my diet last Wendesday. I had other thoughts on my mind and felt more like writing about those.

But, like always, I usually have two reasons (or more) for everything I do.

The other (and possibly real) reason I didn't write about my "diet" was, well, things weren't going well. I hadn't lost another measly pound. I was getting frustrated. The first 5 came off relatively easy, and then things just stopped.

I know that this can be completely normal during dieting. To reach plateaus where you don't loose weight for a while. And when this has happened in the past, I just give up. What's the point of giving up donuts, ice cream, and beef if you aren't loosing any weight. But I decided not to give up. After all, even if I'm not thinner, I'll still be healthier.

Hopefully, things are moving in the right direction.

I've lost 3 pounds so far this month. That's 8 altogether!

Okay, I know that's nothing to make commercials about, but still, I'm trying to be sensible about my dieting.

Everyone has seen the commercials: Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, etc. Where people loose 10 pounds their first month. I'm obviously not doing anything like that. But I know that one of those would never work for me. I like to eat with my family. Make food we all like and then eat it together. I like restaurants, family dinners with my parents, lunch with friends. If I can't find a way to have that in my life, I'm going to fail at any diet I try.

What I'm trying to do is make changes that are sustainable. Like giving up red meat. That I can do. Living off pre-packaged pasta for 6 months. Nope. Exercising 5 days a week. That I can do. Eating nothing but vegetables for 14 days. That I can't do.

I have to make changes that will help me loose weight now. But they also have to be things I can continue in the future.

Give it up

Time for another weigh in.

Since I may or may not have lost 1/2 pound this week (depending on yesterday's weight or today's), I debated about posting at all.

But I need something to keep me on the straight and narrow (or just shame me, that works too.) And I worry that without any accountability, I will just end up discouraged and eating ice cream. Out of the box. On the couch. Watching Oprah. In my pajamas.

So I'm not going to get discouraged. Even if I don't lose the goal of 5 pounds this month, I'll just keep working at it.

When I realized that it nearly half way through March, and I'm not close, I thought about what I should give up to help me along.

Last year, when I really started to gain weight from stress of licensing exams and such, I gave up ice cream. It is no longer allowed in the house. We now occasionally go out for ice cream. Rarely. Not nearly as often as I would like.

2 months ago, I gave up beef. It wasn't really that hard. I was a vegetarian for 3 years and liked it, but for some reason, haven't been able to go all the way back. Giving up beef was fine (as long as I don't think too much about medium-rare steaks.)

So on Sunday, I decided that for 2 months, I would give up dessert.

And then my husband came home on Monday with a box of Girl Scout Samoas cookies.

Well, maybe next week.

Wednesday Weigh-in

In the spirit of keeping with my New Year's Resolutions, I'm going to start a daily feature. Each Wednesday, I'm going to weigh in. Not with my opinions. But with my actual weight.

It's hard to be honest about my weight. I was a thin girl through out high school and part of college. But the stress of medical school and two pregnancies have not been kind. I've gained a LOT of weight in the last 6 1/2 years.

And I've had a hard time adjusting my diet to being slightly overweight instead of being the skinny girl who could eat a bag of marshmallows and Skittles.

I've also had a hard time just getting used to me in this size and shape.

Like I mentioned in my New Years resolutions, my goal is to lose 15 pounds this year.

So far, I've lost 5. Yeah! This is the first time I have ever been successful losing weight. (When I lose more weight, I may, may post my actually weight and not just absolute values of how much I've lost. Maybe.)

My new goal is 5 more pounds by April 1st.

It's going to be hard.

I've been really good at exercising: 30 minutes 6 days a week. I've only missed 2 days in the last 2 months.

I've been better at healthier food choices.

The hard part is not eating at night. Like the big bowl of popcorn watching Lost and Survivor.

Giving that up is the next goal.