Thursday, September 22, 2011

Why I'm Not a Survivor

The 23rd season of Survivor premiered last week.

What? You didn't notice? You haven't watched Survivor in 10 years? You're wondering who watches reality television anymore?

When Survivor first premiered in 2000, it was much like any other fad. I heard people talking about it everywhere, so I was determined to avoid it. This is how I usually am for anything popular (Harry Potter, LOST, Krispy Kreme...I avoid them for as long as I can. And then they get me in the end.)

And then, in 2001, I got pregnant with Bug. I had overwhelming morning sickness, all I was able to do was lie on couch, fight off the "wish I was dead" feeling, and watch television. During those long nine months, I started watching Survivor.

Ever since that time, I've been addicted. (And I might have a small crush on Jeff Probst.)

I love all things Survivor. The concept, the locations, the drama, the twists. However, despite my love of the show, there are many reasons I couldn't actual be a contestant.

1. I'm not a strong swimmer.
I can doggy paddle my way around a lake. In a pool, I may even get fancy and try out a few different strokes. When distance swimming or diving of any form are added, I'm hopeless. There is a lot of swimming on this show.

2. I'm too self-conscious about my body.
Watch Survivor for even a moment, and you realize that those people spend a lot of time either in swimsuits or their underwear. I don't like wearing skirts above my knee. Showing my belly...forget it.

3. I have a weak stomach.
I cleaned out the fridge in resident lounge at work. I came across a few forgotten Tupperware containers that had me leaning my head over the garbage can faster than anything. Someone starts making me eat weevil-filled rice or strange sea animals, and I would be sent home right away.

4. I have the upper body strength of a 6 month old infant.
'Nuff said.

5. I don't like confrontation.
I don't need to take another personality quiz to know that I'm an avoider. I will do extra work, put up with people I can't stand, anything to avoid confrontation. However....

6. I tend to take charge.
Despite my tendency to avoid confrontation, I do like to get things done. And if things need to get done, I will take over, boss people around, and get them done. And we all know what happens to people like...they get voted off the island.

7. I have a natural tendency to cry.
I am the girl that cries at Johnson&Johnson commercials. Anyone think I'm not going to cry when I'm cold, hungry, and haven't seen my family in days? Criers never make it on Survivor.

8. I'm a nerd.
There's always that contestant who just seems a little weird. That would most likely be me. I would get all excited about the birds and the view, or I would start talking about things no one else cares about (diving reflexes, for example.) Nerd don't win survivor.

9. I have never made a fire in my life.

10. I'm too nice.
Oh, I can gossip and scheme just as much as the next person. But to actually follow through on any of those ideas and risk hurting someone's feelings? I don't think I could do it. All the excuses about the game just being a game? I disagree. I think if you lie and back-stab and manipulate people during a game like this, you are probably willing to do that in real life, too. And I just couldn't do it.

Survivor may be my favorite show on television, but I'm obviously a horrible candidate. I will just have to continue to watch half-naked people in bright colored buffs compete for immunity from my couch.

Although I'm sure they're auditioning for the next season of Amazing Race.


  1. I have never seen a Survivor episode because I don't like the back-stabbing fakeness of it. However, based on your list, I would could never be a contestant either.


  2. I"ve never watched Survivor but I think my list of why I can't join in would be similar to yours! But if you were on the show...I'd drop everything, watch it and cheer for you!

  3. I haven't watched since season 2, but I definitely can see why people like it.

    I would be the first person voted off the island, but that's mostly because I would tell everyone they were being stupid and dramatic. It's a shame, because I have some pretty good survival skills.

  4. I have every quality you have too, minus the take charge one. So I guess I should stand clear of the show too. I always watch it though!

  5. Ha! I have never watched Survivor, but I've always loved the idea of it. I think I could be great for the survival skills part, but would fail miserably in the people interaction part.

  6. Apples don't fall far from the tree. I guess thats why its so fun to watch, maybe a little celebration of people doing what is hard for others and what seems impossible for us non-confrontatinalists? Its great to believe that, hey, if I'm stranded I could... might have to.. could survive if I had to.. I saw this thing once where they... It makes good movies too!

  7. I was addicted to survivor for awhile too. I haven't been able to watch this season yet but now you're making me want to.

    I bet you would make a great survivor, though I can relate to most of your reasons for not being a strong candidate...I'm right there with you :)