The 23rd season of Survivor premiered last week.
What? You didn't notice? You haven't watched Survivor in 10 years? You're wondering who watches reality television anymore?
When Survivor first premiered in 2000, it was much like any other fad. I heard people talking about it everywhere, so I was determined to avoid it. This is how I usually am for anything popular (Harry Potter, LOST, Krispy Kreme...I avoid them for as long as I can. And then they get me in the end.)
And then, in 2001, I got pregnant with Bug. I had overwhelming morning sickness, all I was able to do was lie on couch, fight off the "wish I was dead" feeling, and watch television. During those long nine months, I started watching Survivor.
Ever since that time, I've been addicted. (And I might have a small crush on Jeff Probst.)
I love all things Survivor. The concept, the locations, the drama, the twists. However, despite my love of the show, there are many reasons I couldn't actual be a contestant.
1. I'm not a strong swimmer.
I can doggy paddle my way around a lake. In a pool, I may even get fancy and try out a few different strokes. When distance swimming or diving of any form are added, I'm hopeless. There is a lot of swimming on this show.
2. I'm too self-conscious about my body.
Watch Survivor for even a moment, and you realize that those people spend a lot of time either in swimsuits or their underwear. I don't like wearing skirts above my knee. Showing my belly...forget it.
3. I have a weak stomach.
I cleaned out the fridge in resident lounge at work. I came across a few forgotten Tupperware containers that had me leaning my head over the garbage can faster than anything. Someone starts making me eat weevil-filled rice or strange sea animals, and I would be sent home right away.
4. I have the upper body strength of a 6 month old infant.
5. I don't like confrontation.
I don't need to take another personality quiz to know that I'm an avoider. I will do extra work, put up with people I can't stand, anything to avoid confrontation. However....
6. I tend to take charge.
Despite my tendency to avoid confrontation, I do like to get things done. And if things need to get done, I will take over, boss people around, and get them done. And we all know what happens to people like...they get voted off the island.
7. I have a natural tendency to cry.
I am the girl that cries at Johnson&Johnson commercials. Anyone think I'm not going to cry when I'm cold, hungry, and haven't seen my family in days? Criers never make it on Survivor.
8. I'm a nerd.
There's always that contestant who just seems a little weird. That would most likely be me. I would get all excited about the birds and the view, or I would start talking about things no one else cares about (diving reflexes, for example.) Nerd don't win survivor.
9. I have never made a fire in my life.
10. I'm too nice.
Oh, I can gossip and scheme just as much as the next person. But to actually follow through on any of those ideas and risk hurting someone's feelings? I don't think I could do it. All the excuses about the game just being a game? I disagree. I think if you lie and back-stab and manipulate people during a game like this, you are probably willing to do that in real life, too. And I just couldn't do it.
Survivor may be my favorite show on television, but I'm obviously a horrible candidate. I will just have to continue to watch half-naked people in bright colored buffs compete for immunity from my couch.
Although I'm sure they're auditioning for the next season of Amazing Race.