Sunday, March 28, 2010

Have It Together

For a long time, I've thought of myself as someone who has it all together.

At least, that's been the image I've been trying to project. That's what I would like everyone to believe.

Some people think I have it all. I'm an anesthesiology resident. I have an amazing husband. I'm the mother to two darling boys. We have a house in one of the best school districts in our city.

But some days are a struggle.

Okay, fine. Most days are a struggle.

I haven't found a rhythm that allows me to move gracefully through one day and into the next. Getting dinner on the table, the boys into their pajamas and into bed, and myself off to sleep at a decent time is a constant battle. And that's just the basics. If I take into account the fact that dishes need to be washed, beds need to be made, laundry needs doing, and floors need sweeping, I'm a complete wreck.

There are days when the realization that I need to shower makes me feel completely overwhelmed.

The sad thing is that none of this is new. We've been living with our lifestyle for nearly a year. Why can't I find a system that works in all that time?

I look at other people who have dinner at a reasonable time, kids off to bed at set times. There are other moms in my residency program who seem to find time to family activities and time to study.

I've nearly given up on studying. I just don't know how to fit it in.

But here's the really funny thing.

I'm happy.

I'm tired and overwhelmed. There are days that I feel my responsibilities will break through the dyke and drown me.

But I'm really happy.

My children are thriving. My husband is happy. Even without the schedule and finding the time to do everything, home is relaxing. There is truly no place I would rather be.

Maybe I do have it together more than I thought.


  1. I happen to believe that NO ONE really has it all together. Some of us are just better at pretending than others.

    And I think you hit on the most important thing. If you're happy, who cares that the laundry didn't get done or that you can't actually remember the last time you got eight whole hours of sleep in a row?

  2. I have to agree with Karen. You are happy, that's the most important thing. Sounds to me like you are doing an amazing job. Keep it up.

  3. Amen, sister. I feel the exact.same.way. This week really made me realize that.

  4. Fake it till you make it that's what I say... So if you feel it is good then it must be. It is too easy to get caught up in others expectations and to compare ourselves to others. I work on not doing those things all the time. Just know that I am sitting here going how does Kat have time to do this and this and I am not even doing that and that... then I have to stop and take a breath and move on with my life one day at a time and try to be me and not someone else. We will have plenty of years to have a clean house when our kids are grown!

  5. I don't know how you do what you do. But it sounds like you do have it all together. You just put more into a 24-hour period than many of us.

  6. I think most moms feel this way most of the time, especially during those rough years. I'm not a mom, just a stepmom every other weekend, and to be honest, I don't know how you moms do it. I really don't. The more I get into stepmotherhood, the more respect I have for the real moms who do it every single day. You guys are saints!

  7. Ha, that post made me want to give you a huge hug and giggle maniacly at the same time. Not out of any desire to offer support (though I very much do offer my support), but because I know EXACTLY what you mean. I get Punky off to bed at about the same time most nights, but that's just because I'll loose my mind if I don't. Otherwise, housework, work work, even keeping on top of my student loans just feels like a giant wave looming, ready to crash at any time.

    But I think that's just life.

    I'm so glad to hear that you're happy! That really is what matters. And you can't base your life on how others' lives seem to go. You never know what demons they're fighting off. Everything is a trade off, after all.

  8. I love your honesty and this post only proves that you are in fact human...a dedicated wife and mother and also an amazing doctor...VERY tough things to balance. I go through these same feelings daily.

  9. If you're happy, you have it all together. If you have all the laundry away, the dishes washed, the floors sparkling, and studying done--THEN you'll be happy, you're not happy. When that is perfect something else will make you unhappy.The picture book moms want the breezy look and the Pinesol shine on the TV add or the front cover of DAILY LIVING magazine because they need the moment captured while it lasts. It will be gone tomorrow or in twenty minutes. Life is building blocks. I shudder to think the palace I make has bricks of suds and clothes, peanut butter, homework and ceramic bowls. I'd rather have bricks of solid happiness. Basking in blessings, rain or shine makes a happy person. Thank you for clean, honest sunshine! You have it together.